commitment

Being in a relationship is the hardest thing a person can do in their lifetime. To give you time, love and dedication to a person is like a job. I think every1 in a relationship should get some type of compensation at the end of each month to congradulate us on achieving something so difficult. Don't get me wrong, relationships are also benificial. To receive love from another person is a great feeling. Knowing that someone loves and cares for you, does something to you. Does something good to your soul. But momma always told me "all that glitters isn't gold". For every hug there is a argument. For every kiss there are mean words thrown around. For every handhold there is tears and hurt and defeat. There are pros and cons to any relationship. Being in a relationship means giving another person the power to make or break you. It gives the other person the power to destroy you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to continue down the road of a relationship. I love my girlfriend. Love everything from her dreads to her smile to the weird way she laughs and the sad way she cries. But I don't want her to break me. Its seems that more lately we have not been on the same page. A lot of arguments and attitudes covered up by sex and silence. I hate it. I hate ignoring everything or hate when I speak and she doesn't understand me. I hate her not for nothing attitudes and her crankiness and bitterness. I lothe the way she takes her frustration and anger out on me but can be a pleasant little butterfly to every1 else. Even now I hate how I traveled all the way to brooklyn to spend time with her and she has the nerve to be sleeping right now. Completely ignoring me like I'm just a speck of dust that has no meaning. Smh I'm so upset. I'm so upset at always being upset. I'm tired and I feel defeated. I'm depressed and she isn't helping to make me better. And it bothers me cause she keep putting this 1 bitch in my business. Telling her everything about me or everything that has to do with me like fuck is on that bitch biscut why she can't mind her business!?! I know people who've had 2, 3 and 4 year relationships and they just fall apart. How can you love someone on Monday and Tuesday comes and you can't stand them. How can you totally switch you're feelings for a person. I don't get it. But then I know people who've been in relationships with a person for years and they still, everyday, every minute love the person. Nothing has changed but the amount of love they share for each other. I look at those people with a "wtf o_O" look. Idk how they do it. Instead of teaching science in schools, they need to teach "how toi survive your relationship and make it work 101". I would definitaely take that class. Idk how to go on with this blog. Am I supposed to be saying its a blog?! Oh w.e its my blog I can say what I want. I wonder if other people feel the same way I do. I don't wanna break up with her, I love her and I wanna be with her. But how can I make things perfect so its easier to be with her.

something new.

today is August 15, 2010. i havent blogged in a long time and well idk how to really feel about that. alot of things have happened since my last entry. alot of things are always happening; its the story of my life. ive graduated highschool, and will be leaving for college soon; ive been getting along with my mother and i just got a new puppy. those are the good things. the only good things. i miss good things. like when good things come i love it, i relish in the moment of a good feeling or a happy moment.

now to the deep. lets hit the truth right on the head.
i cheated. more of an "affair" if we wanna get technical. it was a horrible mistake. its like when you feel like you have control of a situation, it seems all good while its happening, but then night time comes and im left alone in the dark to dwell on the choices i made and it sucks you know. thats when the depression creeps up on me and sets in. it sets in in the deepest part of my heart and consumes me. changes me. makes me do things and say things with no emotion, with no thought. but it happened and it ended and i told my girlfriend and now things are much different. she forgave me. she didnt leave me. but things are always going to be different.

lost.
i swear thats what i am. i wake up every morning and do my daily doings and the days blend together and the minutes turn to hours and it all seems like one big blur. but im not the Bree i used to be. yeah people change but when i look at myself in the mirror im disgusted with what stares back. people tell me all the time that im pretty or beautiful or stunning but inside, inside is black and horrible and dark and mean and bitter. i never used to be that. i used to be pure and happy and giving and loveable. now how can any1 love me? maybe thats why my girlfriend flirts with other girls. maybe thats why my dad doesnt wanna have anything to do with me. maybe thats why my bestfriend packed up and moved to Costa Rica. maybe thats why....

change.
thats what i want the most. it sucks to be stuck in a rut, understand what you want but not grabbing it and getting it. i need to get myself back. like i need a new beginning. i need to take the razor from my wrist and put the vodka away and wake up and get my life together. im so unfocused. i drown myself in partying or smoking or drinking or working. wake up early and go to sleep late. but i want to change. i want my girlfriend to love me again. i want to have friends again i want to smile again. i want to feel happy. not fake happy where you smile for the comfort of others. but when i just step out the shower and smile. smile because it feels good to smile. ima get that back.

writing and talking.
im doing alot of that right now. but there has been so much inside me and i need to let all of it go. slowly im going to come to terms with everything and im going to forgive myself. and im going to love myself. because when no1 wants to love me, i wanna be able to love me. that is the most important thing in this life we live. to love and befriend ourselves. cause i only have myself. ive reconnected with a old love. we're friends now. thats good. things arent complicated anymore. we're older and over it and we're cool now. and that feels good. its good to know that some people are still willing to stick around and be in your life. makes it seem like theres still some type of good in me.


"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
— Marilyn Monroe