commitment

Being in a relationship is the hardest thing a person can do in their lifetime. To give you time, love and dedication to a person is like a job. I think every1 in a relationship should get some type of compensation at the end of each month to congradulate us on achieving something so difficult. Don't get me wrong, relationships are also benificial. To receive love from another person is a great feeling. Knowing that someone loves and cares for you, does something to you. Does something good to your soul. But momma always told me "all that glitters isn't gold". For every hug there is a argument. For every kiss there are mean words thrown around. For every handhold there is tears and hurt and defeat. There are pros and cons to any relationship. Being in a relationship means giving another person the power to make or break you. It gives the other person the power to destroy you. Sometimes I wonder if I'm strong enough to continue down the road of a relationship. I love my girlfriend. Love everything from her dreads to her smile to the weird way she laughs and the sad way she cries. But I don't want her to break me. Its seems that more lately we have not been on the same page. A lot of arguments and attitudes covered up by sex and silence. I hate it. I hate ignoring everything or hate when I speak and she doesn't understand me. I hate her not for nothing attitudes and her crankiness and bitterness. I lothe the way she takes her frustration and anger out on me but can be a pleasant little butterfly to every1 else. Even now I hate how I traveled all the way to brooklyn to spend time with her and she has the nerve to be sleeping right now. Completely ignoring me like I'm just a speck of dust that has no meaning. Smh I'm so upset. I'm so upset at always being upset. I'm tired and I feel defeated. I'm depressed and she isn't helping to make me better. And it bothers me cause she keep putting this 1 bitch in my business. Telling her everything about me or everything that has to do with me like fuck is on that bitch biscut why she can't mind her business!?! I know people who've had 2, 3 and 4 year relationships and they just fall apart. How can you love someone on Monday and Tuesday comes and you can't stand them. How can you totally switch you're feelings for a person. I don't get it. But then I know people who've been in relationships with a person for years and they still, everyday, every minute love the person. Nothing has changed but the amount of love they share for each other. I look at those people with a "wtf o_O" look. Idk how they do it. Instead of teaching science in schools, they need to teach "how toi survive your relationship and make it work 101". I would definitaely take that class. Idk how to go on with this blog. Am I supposed to be saying its a blog?! Oh w.e its my blog I can say what I want. I wonder if other people feel the same way I do. I don't wanna break up with her, I love her and I wanna be with her. But how can I make things perfect so its easier to be with her.

something new.

today is August 15, 2010. i havent blogged in a long time and well idk how to really feel about that. alot of things have happened since my last entry. alot of things are always happening; its the story of my life. ive graduated highschool, and will be leaving for college soon; ive been getting along with my mother and i just got a new puppy. those are the good things. the only good things. i miss good things. like when good things come i love it, i relish in the moment of a good feeling or a happy moment.

now to the deep. lets hit the truth right on the head.
i cheated. more of an "affair" if we wanna get technical. it was a horrible mistake. its like when you feel like you have control of a situation, it seems all good while its happening, but then night time comes and im left alone in the dark to dwell on the choices i made and it sucks you know. thats when the depression creeps up on me and sets in. it sets in in the deepest part of my heart and consumes me. changes me. makes me do things and say things with no emotion, with no thought. but it happened and it ended and i told my girlfriend and now things are much different. she forgave me. she didnt leave me. but things are always going to be different.

lost.
i swear thats what i am. i wake up every morning and do my daily doings and the days blend together and the minutes turn to hours and it all seems like one big blur. but im not the Bree i used to be. yeah people change but when i look at myself in the mirror im disgusted with what stares back. people tell me all the time that im pretty or beautiful or stunning but inside, inside is black and horrible and dark and mean and bitter. i never used to be that. i used to be pure and happy and giving and loveable. now how can any1 love me? maybe thats why my girlfriend flirts with other girls. maybe thats why my dad doesnt wanna have anything to do with me. maybe thats why my bestfriend packed up and moved to Costa Rica. maybe thats why....

change.
thats what i want the most. it sucks to be stuck in a rut, understand what you want but not grabbing it and getting it. i need to get myself back. like i need a new beginning. i need to take the razor from my wrist and put the vodka away and wake up and get my life together. im so unfocused. i drown myself in partying or smoking or drinking or working. wake up early and go to sleep late. but i want to change. i want my girlfriend to love me again. i want to have friends again i want to smile again. i want to feel happy. not fake happy where you smile for the comfort of others. but when i just step out the shower and smile. smile because it feels good to smile. ima get that back.

writing and talking.
im doing alot of that right now. but there has been so much inside me and i need to let all of it go. slowly im going to come to terms with everything and im going to forgive myself. and im going to love myself. because when no1 wants to love me, i wanna be able to love me. that is the most important thing in this life we live. to love and befriend ourselves. cause i only have myself. ive reconnected with a old love. we're friends now. thats good. things arent complicated anymore. we're older and over it and we're cool now. and that feels good. its good to know that some people are still willing to stick around and be in your life. makes it seem like theres still some type of good in me.


"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
— Marilyn Monroe

when....

when does enough become enough? when do the attitudes, the catty-ness the loneliness the feeling that something is wrong...when does it all become enough. talking doesnt work, crying and arguing dont get the point across. even praying has seemed to not pull thru the way ive expected. when does it all become to much to deal w. or when am i suppose to get to the point where i dont wanna deal with it anymore. i dont wanna hear the attitudes or the bitchy ness. i dont want to argue. i dont want to have to pray about it. im tired of crying and going to sleep feeling sad depressed and some other type of way. what happened to the little things? what happened to when she would call or text me out of the blue to tell me she loves me and how much she loves me and why she loves me; just becuz its a monday or a thursday ...with no reason other then to put a smile on my face. what happened to telling me a certain song reminds her of me. or even if your "so tired" to still give me 15minutes to ask how my day was, what i did, how i felt and if there was something on my mind....regardless if you feel like you talked to me throughout the day or not. what happened to the little things. what happened to the soft tone you used to talk to me with. i dont like this new harsh (or in your words "normal" tone). i miss the old times. i miss the ways we used to be. its like we can either be really happy or just wanna chop each other head off. why isnt there a middle.? why does it always have to feel like a battle w. you or something extra. why is it that i go to sleep lately feeling like theres something wrong with me? why cant we ever have a open and honest conversation about how we feel or abt what might be going on without it leading to cursing, yelling, attitudes or you tryna blow it off by saying w.e. or ok breeana.?

and i dont want you to read this (if you ever will even read it) and think that im attacking you. or assume that this is suppose to mean something or that im unhappy becuz thats not the case. im just writing this all out, to get it all out of me so that maybe i can have some piece of mind about this situation instead of having it in the back of my mind or weighing heavily on my mood. i cant keep walking around like this, i cant keep letting this consume my thoughts. just because you can walk around and pretend like things dont bother you or like you dont have feelings doesnt mean that i am suppose to feel that way. i just hope everynight that we can get to a point where we can dig deep and find out what is causing this rift. becuz this is not how its always been. we cant bring outside problems into our relationship. being together is suppose to be our safe-space not an extra headache. smh
i love you.

compromise

i never met a person who always had to be right. in any situation no matter the context or the conversation, their point had to be the right one; they had to always win the fight. its like they always have to have an answer for everything and a reason for everything. you can never be right, your opinion or your point can never be valid enough; its their way or no way. and what sucks even more is that once they feel as though their point is the RIGHT point, they continue to go in and to poke at the situation even more until you feel a half centimeter tall. until you dont even wanna say anything anymore. until you wanna just crawl into your bubble and stay there. its just unbelieveable because things like this happen everyday. but when its between two people who are dating, who are suppose to be a team, what does that say? how is that suppose to make the significant other feel? im afraid to say anything. every time i wanna speak my mind i second guess myself and question if i really wanna get involved. im never right. my point can never be better. she just cant ever step out of her bigass head to see where im coming from. its never that way. and im tired of it. im tired of keeping things in, or when i do speak on it to have myself put down to the point i wanna crawl under a rock and disppear. i want to disappear right now. im rebuilding my bubble, and im going to get back into it and im going to stay there. for minutes, for hours until i rebuild myself. couples are suppose to defend each other, not fight each other. your suppose to solve problems like adults and if something cant be agreed on, simply agree to disagree and move on from it. i dont understand why it always has to result to this. after 10months i keep hoping for change. that maybe shell hear the way my voice cracks or how quiet i get after the way she talks to me and that shell apologize and mean it and that it would change. but it doesnt, it hasnt. and i get to the point where i speak less and less of it. but i cant always keep everything inside. it should be like that you know. i should be able to express how i feel when i feel it and when i want to. and she should listen and try her hardest to understand me, and even if its the dumbest thing ever, still be loving enough to see where im coming from. then we should actively try to reach a point where we both get what we want. isnt compromise suppose to be a key point to a long and healthy relationship? smh i just....dont know....

colorless

i havent blogged inah while. idk why. maybe because i havent felt inspired. or maybe because i feel like no matter how many times i express the way i feel thru words that no1 will get me. some days i feel colorless. like something unfinished or messed up. other days i feel really good. good about the things around me. about the emotions i feel. and other days i feel like im just blending in. and i hate to blend in. i dnt like to look like other people or feel like other people. the other day i was getting off the train and some random lady approaced me to only say that she thought i was someone else. UGH i hate that. i hate when strangers approach me. i dont like feeling as if my secluded bubble has just been popped. like no. not a good feel. the other day my girlfriend mentioned in a few text messages that its like i only hang out with her. i barly hang with my friends, altho in my mind i dont have any. but i dont see the problem with that. friends arent real. they do mean things, they put their boyfriends before you, they use you they act like bitches. they bring drama. why would i want any of that. my girlfriend is not only my love but she is my bestfriend. shes the only person that has stayed true to me so why does she feel like me always wanting to be around her is bad? maybe i really am as annoying as she sometimes expresses but hey dealing with her ass isnt always a warm summer day in the park lol. speaking of summer, i cant wait till it gets warmer. i hate having to wear all these clothes and i hate this bad weather it just SUCKS!. i want to just wear a shirt, my jeans and my shoes thats it. i hate the winter. its the shortest season but yet it feels like the longest and most miserable. hummmm idk what else to write lol. that was just off the top of my head.

A thought

Tonight, my girlfriend made a very good point.
We were on date night in BBQs having dinner and randomly talking and
laughing. Idk how we got on the topic but I remember saying "both our
dads seem to not want us". In my mind I thought that maybe it wud sadden
her nd in my own heart I felt a little weakened by it but her response
to me was along the lines of "why do I need to fight for his attention".
She's absolutely right. Both of our dads decided to change on us once
they got remarried nd its like now we're tryna prove ourselves worthy
for them. My girlfriend gave up on that fight along time ago. I
continued to fight but a few months ago I guess I stopped. I always had
my dad around he was my bestfriend. But after he remarried a lot
changed. For years he tried to balance his new life with me nd for
sometime I seemed to win. But once his wife INSISTED on them moving
downsouth, she won that war. The last time I saw my dad was August when
I spent a whole month with him in Atlanta.after that we spoke but we
stopped once he went to far nd said some mean things to my gf. Think
what u want abt that last sentence but if u knew the entire situation u
wud clearly agree with me. Any caring parent wud try to reach out nd fix
things but,, not my dad. When I was with him, I wud look at him
sometimes. To me he was still my dad nd I was still his little buddy but
now it doesn't feel that way. A lot I feel myself wanting to cry becuz I
feel like he's gunna miss out on great events of my life. Like my senior
graduation nd prom nd my 18th bday in a few months. Or most importantly
when I get married. I thought that I cud always fit in his life but why
do I have to fight someone to stay somewhere. Obviously he doesn't wanna
be in my life, or he just wants to be when its easy for him. Smh.
Sometimes i wish I didn't have a dad. Like I didn't know him at all.
Atleast I wudnt have a person to miss, or memories in my mind. Maybe I
wasn't a good enough daughter. Maybe im not preety enough or I didn't
laugh enough as a kid. Maybe my passion for creativity killed it. I
wonder if I wanted a kid who could just fit in nd be normal. Like not
have so many issues. Maybe my illness ruined it. Like maybe he cut
himself off a long time ago so that it wudnt hurt if I left.
Unfortunately im better now nd he doesn't know how to cut back in. I
wonder if he even wants to cut back in. I can't believe that one thing
my love said sparked all these ideas in my head. But she was absolutely
right. I shouldn't have to fight becuz I didn't ask for this. But when
all u know is the fight, how do u make yourself walk away?
--breeananicole_33

Sleepless

120AM. I shuld be sleep. I have work tomorrow for heavens sake nd we
know I don't like mornings. But I can't sleep. Without her on the phone
I dont sleep right. Its like im sleeping alone. I hate sleeping alone.
When we're on the phone sleep together its like she's laying right next
to me. Its like im sleeping right w| her. But not tonight. Tonight ill
toss & turn nd ill wake up thru the night, unable to hear her calm
breathing or her snoring she tends to do around 4AM when it wakes me up
lol. I love it tho. I love the way she's "goodnight baby, I love u". It
soothes me. Or when im having a rough night shell try 2 stay up till I
fall asleep (which never works cuz she's more tired). I even like when
she has bad dreams nd calls me at 230AM. She says (when we live together
ima wake u up instead). Ha in my mind I wuldnt care. Becuz I love her. I
can't wait to live w| her. Wake up, feel her body against mine, be
wrapped up in her arms. I love the thought of it all. Steal kisses while
she sleep. Or play in her hair to make her more relaxed. Its all perfect
in my head. But now its stayin in my head becuz its 130, she fell asleep
texting me, nd im up, wishing I was sleeping w| my wife.
--breeananicole_33

Filled

the lord will perfect that which corcerneth me -Psalms 138:8

Im afraid. Sometimes I feel like ima lose her. Idk which form it'll come
in. Like maybe shell leave me, or kill herself. Something where I won't
have her anymore. Her voice won't be around me, her touch nd love nd
attention won't live in me anymore. How do I handle that? Its suppose to
be me and her. Im worried abt her. Its impossible to live when u lose
the one u love. People try to do it, but they're never the same. I won't
be the same. I won't laugh I won't smile. Love nd happiness won't live
here anymore. Before her I was regular. Walking along waiting for
someone to love me; I was waiting for her. She writes things, and I
guess im not suppose to see it but I do. Nd it makes me cry. She's in a
struggle with herself. Sometimes I feel I complicate things, sometimes I
feel I make it easier. Sometimes I feel I saved her, or still am saving
her. I need guidance. Becuz I need to save her. I need to know how to
save her, without letting her go. So that everytime I leave her I know
ill be coming back to her the next day or hearing her voice the next
minute.
--breeananicole_33