A thought

Tonight, my girlfriend made a very good point.
We were on date night in BBQs having dinner and randomly talking and
laughing. Idk how we got on the topic but I remember saying "both our
dads seem to not want us". In my mind I thought that maybe it wud sadden
her nd in my own heart I felt a little weakened by it but her response
to me was along the lines of "why do I need to fight for his attention".
She's absolutely right. Both of our dads decided to change on us once
they got remarried nd its like now we're tryna prove ourselves worthy
for them. My girlfriend gave up on that fight along time ago. I
continued to fight but a few months ago I guess I stopped. I always had
my dad around he was my bestfriend. But after he remarried a lot
changed. For years he tried to balance his new life with me nd for
sometime I seemed to win. But once his wife INSISTED on them moving
downsouth, she won that war. The last time I saw my dad was August when
I spent a whole month with him in Atlanta.after that we spoke but we
stopped once he went to far nd said some mean things to my gf. Think
what u want abt that last sentence but if u knew the entire situation u
wud clearly agree with me. Any caring parent wud try to reach out nd fix
things but,, not my dad. When I was with him, I wud look at him
sometimes. To me he was still my dad nd I was still his little buddy but
now it doesn't feel that way. A lot I feel myself wanting to cry becuz I
feel like he's gunna miss out on great events of my life. Like my senior
graduation nd prom nd my 18th bday in a few months. Or most importantly
when I get married. I thought that I cud always fit in his life but why
do I have to fight someone to stay somewhere. Obviously he doesn't wanna
be in my life, or he just wants to be when its easy for him. Smh.
Sometimes i wish I didn't have a dad. Like I didn't know him at all.
Atleast I wudnt have a person to miss, or memories in my mind. Maybe I
wasn't a good enough daughter. Maybe im not preety enough or I didn't
laugh enough as a kid. Maybe my passion for creativity killed it. I
wonder if I wanted a kid who could just fit in nd be normal. Like not
have so many issues. Maybe my illness ruined it. Like maybe he cut
himself off a long time ago so that it wudnt hurt if I left.
Unfortunately im better now nd he doesn't know how to cut back in. I
wonder if he even wants to cut back in. I can't believe that one thing
my love said sparked all these ideas in my head. But she was absolutely
right. I shouldn't have to fight becuz I didn't ask for this. But when
all u know is the fight, how do u make yourself walk away?
--breeananicole_33

Sleepless

120AM. I shuld be sleep. I have work tomorrow for heavens sake nd we
know I don't like mornings. But I can't sleep. Without her on the phone
I dont sleep right. Its like im sleeping alone. I hate sleeping alone.
When we're on the phone sleep together its like she's laying right next
to me. Its like im sleeping right w| her. But not tonight. Tonight ill
toss & turn nd ill wake up thru the night, unable to hear her calm
breathing or her snoring she tends to do around 4AM when it wakes me up
lol. I love it tho. I love the way she's "goodnight baby, I love u". It
soothes me. Or when im having a rough night shell try 2 stay up till I
fall asleep (which never works cuz she's more tired). I even like when
she has bad dreams nd calls me at 230AM. She says (when we live together
ima wake u up instead). Ha in my mind I wuldnt care. Becuz I love her. I
can't wait to live w| her. Wake up, feel her body against mine, be
wrapped up in her arms. I love the thought of it all. Steal kisses while
she sleep. Or play in her hair to make her more relaxed. Its all perfect
in my head. But now its stayin in my head becuz its 130, she fell asleep
texting me, nd im up, wishing I was sleeping w| my wife.
--breeananicole_33

Filled

the lord will perfect that which corcerneth me -Psalms 138:8

Im afraid. Sometimes I feel like ima lose her. Idk which form it'll come
in. Like maybe shell leave me, or kill herself. Something where I won't
have her anymore. Her voice won't be around me, her touch nd love nd
attention won't live in me anymore. How do I handle that? Its suppose to
be me and her. Im worried abt her. Its impossible to live when u lose
the one u love. People try to do it, but they're never the same. I won't
be the same. I won't laugh I won't smile. Love nd happiness won't live
here anymore. Before her I was regular. Walking along waiting for
someone to love me; I was waiting for her. She writes things, and I
guess im not suppose to see it but I do. Nd it makes me cry. She's in a
struggle with herself. Sometimes I feel I complicate things, sometimes I
feel I make it easier. Sometimes I feel I saved her, or still am saving
her. I need guidance. Becuz I need to save her. I need to know how to
save her, without letting her go. So that everytime I leave her I know
ill be coming back to her the next day or hearing her voice the next
minute.
--breeananicole_33